38 - Poem of Hope ...

While the previous post was about suicide, this one, written by Emma, is about hope and the will to fight your depression and work at getting better.

The Climb

Climbing up a mountain,
Pulling yourself higher and higher.
Out of the pit of misery.
Things seem to look brighter.
Grass is growing, birds are singing,
And the sun emerges from the clouds.
Then you start to slip,
To lose your grasp,
And down you fall.
Not quite to the bottom,
Just teetering on a ledge,
Could you go over at any moment
Have you the strength to climb again?
The pain of your cut soul
Burns like a fire,
The anger, hurt and frustration
Come flooding back into your mind.
The fight for survival starts again.
Overcome the fear,
Search for the holds,
Rely on the support from before.
I know it's going to be difficult,
But you did it once,
You can do it again.
Remember, you're not the only one -
Out there are other climbers
Fighting their own battles,
Searching their own soul
And conquering their own mountains.

 

37 - Suicide Poem ...

I did not write this poem, a woman named Emily wrote it. I am publishing it because it hits very close to home. It is how I have felt far too often. It is how many people suffering from depression feel, often.

Darkness
by Emily

I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and flail
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the waters starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from darkness's grasp?
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of consciousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness

36 - Sleep ...

One of the parts of your life that takes a hit when you are depressed is your sleep. As you may remember, I slept only 2 or 3 hours a night for several months. What this does is lead to even more depression. The more you are depressed, the more you cannot sleep. It is a terribly viscious circle.

There are actually names for mood related sleep problems.

- Sleep Onset Insomnia ... when it takes more than an hour to fall asleep
- Sleep Maintenance Insomnia ... frequent wakening during the night, plus difficulty getting back to sleep
- Early Morning Wakening ... waking up much earlier than you should and being unable to get back to sleep

Some people can have all three problems. I was one of those that had all three.

Sometimes people in depression sleep too much and that is called Hypersomnia.

Here are some tips for improving your sleep (and they are for everyone, not only people suffering from depression) :

Avoid over-the counter sleeping medication
Set a standard bedtime and keep to it
Don't go to bed too early
Set a standard time for getting up in the morning
Save your bedroom for sleep and sex
Create a good sleep environment
Avoid naps during the day
Practice deep breathing, meditation or progressive muscle relaxation when attempting to go to sleep
Try not to exercise in the evening
Avoid alcohol before bedtime
Reduce caffeine or restrict your caffeine intake to the morning
Have sex but unfortunately sex is not something that depressed people want

If you do not get enough sleep your body and mind are always tired. A tired mind falls into a depressed state much easier than a mind that gets proper rest. Depression produces insomnia so get strong emotional support from your support group/friend.

35 - Psychotherapy ...

I have always been afraid of the word psychotherapy. It conjured up images of wires taped to my head, a couch, a doctor I didn't trust and something about electricity. Those bad science fiction movies I watched when I was a teenager obviously did their job.

When Dr. O'D first said that I would be attending a psychotherapy group I was terrified. I went that first time with a couple of other guys on the floor and they did not seem to mind going. But they were crazy ... I wasn't. We arrived at the room and there were no couches, no wires visible, no doctors at all and no electrical implements. Just a bunch of pretty sad looking people sitting in chairs (not even terribly comfortable chairs) in a circle ... and talking. I remained nervous for much of the first session but it passed after a little while.

It would have been much more comforting if it had been referred to as talk therapy as so many people now call it. Because that's all you do ... talk and listen. Listen to advice from nurses, social workers and medical professionals. You are asked questions, you answer if you feel comfortable talking in a group. You ask questions. You interact with the others in the room ... listen to their viewpoints, understand how they handled the same problem you have, hug them if they cry or are afraid. Talk about yourself if you are doing well and offer to help those who would like to try what you are doing.

Psychotherapy ... not what I imagined it to be. But I am sure the bad monsters in the same movies must be real.

34 - What Is Depression ...

Causes of Depression

Depression has no single cause; often, it results from a combination of things. You may have no idea why depression has struck you.

Whatever its cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.

A normally functioning brain is a giant messaging system that controls everything from your heartbeat, to walking, to your emotions. The brain is made up of billions of nerve cells called neurons. These neurons send and receive messages from the rest of your body, using brain chemicals such as serotonin and norepinephrine.

These brain chemicals—in varying amounts—are responsible for our emotional state. Depression happens when these chemical messages aren’t delivered correctly between brain cells, disrupting communication.

Some of the more common factors involved in depression are:

Family history. Genetics play an important part in depression. It can run in families for generations.


Trauma and stress. Things like financial problems, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of a loved one can bring on depression. You can become depressed after changes in your life, like starting a new job, graduating from school, or getting married.


Pessimistic personality. People who have low self-esteem and a negative outlook are at higher risk of becoming depressed. These traits may actually be caused by low-level depression (called dysthymia).

Physical conditions. Serious medical conditions like heart disease, cancer, and HIV can contribute to depression, partly because of the physical weakness and stress they bring on. Depression can make medical conditions worse, since it weakens the immune system and can make pain harder to bear. In some cases, depression can be caused by medications used to treat medical conditions.


Other psychological disorders. Anxiety disorders, eating disorders, schizophrenia, and (especially) substance abuse often appear along with depression.

Depression is one of the most common psychological problems, affecting nearly everyone through either personal experience or through depression in a family member. The cost in human suffering cannot be estimated. Depression can interfere with normal functioning, and frequently causes problems with work, social and family adjustment. It causes pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them. Serious depression can destroy family life as well as the life of the depressed person.

Impact of Depression:

- Causes tremendous emotional pain
- Disrupts the lives of millions of people
- Adversely affects the lives of families and friends
- Reduces work productivity and absenteeism
- Has a significant negative impact on the economy, costing an estimated $44 billion a year

Depression is a psychological condition that changes how you think and feel, and also affects your social behavior and sense of physical well-being. We have all felt sad at one time or another, but that is not depression. Sometimes we feel tired from working hard, or discouraged when faced with serious problems. This too, is not depression. These feelings usually pass within a few days or weeks, once we adjust to the stress. But, if these feelings linger, intensify, and begin to interfere with work, school or family responsibilities, it may be depression.

Depression can affect anyone. Once identified, most people diagnosed with depression are successfully treated. Unfortunately, depression is not always diagnosed, because many of the symptoms mimic physical illness, such as sleep and appetite disturbances. Recognizing depression is the first step in treating it.

Nearly two-thirds of depressed people do not get proper treatment:
- The symptoms are not recognized as depression.
- Depressed people are seen as weak or lazy.
- Social stigma causes people to avoid needed treatment.
- The symptoms are so disabling that the people affected cannot reach out for help.
- Many symptoms are misdiagnosed as physical problems
- Individual symptoms are treated, rather than the underlying cause.

Clinical or major depression is a very common psychological problem, and most people never seek proper treatment, or seek treatment but they are misdiagnosed with physical illness. This is extremely unfortunate because, with proper treatment, nearly 80% of those with depression can make significant improvement in their mood and life adjustment.

This is the most severe category of depression. In a major depression, more of the symptoms of depression are present, and they are usually more intense or severe. A major depression can result from a single traumatic event in your life, or may develop slowly as a consequence of numerous personal disappointments and life problems. Some people appear to develop the symptoms of a major depression without any obvious life crisis causing it. Other individuals have had less severe symptoms of depression for a long time, and a life crisis results in increased symptom intensity.

Major depression can occur once, as a result of a significant psychological trauma, respond to treatment, and never occur again within your lifetime. This would be a single episode depression. Some people tend to have recurring depression, with episodes of depression followed by periods of several years without depression, followed by another episode, usually in response to another trauma. This would be a recurrent depression. In general, the treatment is similar, except that treatment usually is over a longer time period for recurrent depression.

All depression involves some changes in brain chemistry, even when the cause is clearly a psychological trauma. After psychological treatment and recovery from depression, the brain chemistry returns to normal, even without medication.

First Person Description of Major Depression

It takes the greatest effort to get out of bed in the morning.
I am tired all day, yet when night comes, sleep evades me.
I stare at the ceiling, wondering what has happened to my
life, and what will become of me. Nothing is getting done
at work. I have projects to complete, but I can't think. I try
to focus on my work, and I get lost. I keep wondering when
the boss will discover how little I have accomplished. My wife
does not understand. She keeps telling me to "snap out of it."
I'm irritable all the time, and yell at the kids, then I feel
terrible later. Nothing is fun any more. I can't read, and the
music I used to enjoy so much does nothing for me. I am bored,
but I feel like doing nothing. There are times, when I'm alone,
that I think that life is hopeless and meaningless, and I can't
go on much longer.

33 - Goal Reached ...

Ever since I was in the hospital in March I have been wanting to get my bicycle out and cleaned for the summer. Every week I have thought about it and then procrastinated the idea away until "tomorrow". Last week at therapy I had to set a goal that I would reach before the next session, so I chose to start working on my bicycle. This morning I moved it from the basement to the backyard where I worked on cleaning it, under the shade of a 55 year old magnolia tree. The bicycle is now clean, the chain has been degreased and lubed and the tires inflated to 65lb., so I am ready to go ... tomorrow.

Otherwise a great summery, sunny day. A1 was here for a couple of hours this morning and then said she had to go back home to start packing for the trip because there wouldn't be any time in the evening for the rest of the week. But she said she would come back for dinner and the evening. Would it surprise you if I said she never returned? I just talked to her and A1 and she told me that a friend came over and only left late in the afternoon so she wasn't able to call me for dinner. Oh, and by the way ... the all important packing was never touched. I would rather she tell me that she doesn't want to be here than make up stories. The stories hurt more than being told straight up because the stories are very feeble. A2 always (the few times he has not come over) tells me the truth but A1 has to lie about it. So sad.

32 - Meanderings ...

It has been a couple of days of running about and getting things done. On Friday I spent 90 minutes walking with Mary and her young daughter. We had a great conversation and I’ll be sad to see her go. Then back home to work in the garden and go to the transition group … except I didn’t go. I went to the gym instead.

The children are supposed to be with me this weekend but they haven’t reached the house yet. My son’s (A2) best friend moved away in February and came back this weekend to spend 2 or 3 days with A2. A2 decided to hang out with his friend over at the ex’s house. My daughter (A1) was told by her mother that she had to stay home last night and I heard from A1 at lunch today. I thought she was calling for me to go pick her up and come back here. Alas, I was wrong. She wanted to know if her friend could come to the mall with us. A1 had asked me to buy her a pair of shoes (to match her dress) for her graduation next week. So we went to the mall and 2 hours and 4 shoe stores later she saw some she liked. “Oh yeah, and dad … can I get a new pair of sneakers too?” At 3PM I drove her home so she could show her mother (who was out and only got back after 5PM).

It’s now just after 8PM and A1 just called to ask me to go get her so she can come over for the night. Great weekend of seeing the children right? It gets worse. They come for dinner every Wednesday night. Except this Wednesday is A1’s grad so they won’t be here. Right after school on Thursday they go to the airport, get on a plane and head to Victoria to see the western grandparents for a couple of weeks. This is the first time they will be flying without either their mother or I. Am I nervous? Yes, a little bit. I have 2 nieces who frequently flew to Winnipeg at 13 and 11 years of age and it always went well for them. So, everything will be OK … except me who will have barely seen them in over a month.

It is a damn good thing that I am on medications and have developed a very positive attitude about getting better otherwise that black hole would be nicely appealing right now. I am sure those who wait for the meds to make them better and don’t do anything else would be on the slide downwards.

Well, I have to go get A1 … I’ll be back later.

I’m back and you didn’t even miss me.

I have been reading, on a regular basis, another blog and it is listed under the Other Blogs in the right hand column. It is written by a young woman from Florida who has, in my opinion, the most exciting writing style of any blogger that I have read. Many who stumble across her blog would find her style bizarre. I find that it makes me think, it makes me wonder how she relates one word to another, it makes me look deeper behind what she types and it makes me think about the woman writing. She’s a woman of varied interests (thinking, mathematics, psychology and being drunk are a few of them.) There should be more people like her. Thank you Jin.

I have not had any depressed behaviour, thoughts or feelings for a while now (weeks?) and it feels great. Life is so much easier without the impending cloud of doom hanging over my head, in my thoughts, in my dreams and in every breath. I guess it is similar to getting out of prison … it feels wonderful after being cooped up inside for months or years and you feel free. But you have to work at staying out of prison. I have to do the same thing … work hard to stay out of the prison of depression. I have to pat myself on the back as I am doing this on my own without any outside support. Sure, I get support from the few depressed people I know and like at the group, from Ruth and Leslie D … but the day to day support I don’t get. It would be great to have somebody, friend, lover, to beat this with me. I have to do it on my own but it sure would be easier with some personal and in my face support.

But I am doing it on my own … because I can.

31 - MK ...

I had a week's vacation that had to be used before the end of June so I took this week off and it has been a pretty good week.

Due to the depression and/or the medications I am sleeping more than I used to sleep. When I don't have to get up for a reason I can sleep long hours. Monday I slept until 2PM, Tuesday and today I was up at the crack of noon. Wednesday I had an appointment at 10AM so didn't sleep in.

Today I decided to do some more work in the garden and I did that for a couple of hours, then went to workout for 2 hours then back home for another hour in the garden. Dinner and now time to relax.

Tomorrow I hope to spend more time in the garden but that will depend on whether or not I go to see Mary. Mary is, without a doubt, the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I have known her for 4 years and never once in those 4 years have I seen her angry. I used to work with her until she left in January to have a baby. She listened to my problems, gave great advice, was very sympathetic and understanding, always there, and a delight to talk with. Very intelligent, extremely pretty with a drop dead gorgeous body and wise beyong her years. Mary will turn 28 this summer and is so happily married that it makes me sick. One day I hope to meet somebody who will become my partner ... if she is even half of what Mary is she will be an extraordinary woman. Unfortunately, Mary is moving away in a few weeks and a lot of people will miss her. She has touched everybody she has met and will forever be remembered with a smile. I love you MK ... for the friendship I was so privileged to receive from you.

I may have gotten carried away there. If the weather is nice I will go to Mary's and we will take her beautiful little girl, Lauren (5 months) for a walk. Otherwise, I'll work in the garden and in the afternoon go to the hospital for the transition group (a couple of women I want to talk to there as well).

30 - Making Changes ...

In order to get better I have to change what I think, how I feel and how I behave. The easiest change to make is behaviour. Today, in the depression group we discussed actions (behaviour). Actions can, I think, also be defined as goals that you want to accomplish and are pretty much physical. I want to cut the lawn because the grass is really long, but I have no energy and it takes 2 hours to mow the damn backyard. So what I have to do is break that problem down into small pieces and work on each one, individually. Today I will go to the garage and check to see if there is gas in the lawnmower. If there is none I will find my gas container so I can go the the service station and get 5 liters. Tomorrow, I will try and start it. Next day I will take it out of the garage and start it outside. The day after that I will map out the backyard into small sections and I will cut 1 section at a time. It may take me a week to get the lawn mowed but I will work steadily. If I feel up to it, I may cut 2 sections in a single day.

I could have said that the lawn needs cutting, checked on the gas, pulled the lawnmower from the garage, started it and mowed the entire yard at 1 go. Probably wouldn't work because the goal I set is too big considering my lack of energy, lack of motivation etc..

The trick is to make small goals ... cut 1 section at a time. It's easier, I won't get discouraged, won't take too much time, and it is a small enough bite that I will accomplish what I set out to do. Each time I complete a section I pat myself on the back, give myself a reward or tell somebody who is aware of my situation that I have done something ... and I will get positive feedback. So I will feel even better.

I have made a short list of some major problems in my life regarding family, friends, lifestyle, working life and finances. Over the next few weeks I will take each of these problems and break them down into bite sized pieces and then think of things that I could do that will help. The pitfalls that must be avoided are trying to do too much (not making the bites small enough), getting discouraged because I don't feel I am getting anywhere (the pieces are small and it will take many bites to see that progress is being made), disqualifying any success (I used to be able to run 10 km and now I can only do 1 km).

But those problems are major and they may take a while to figure out. The problem I intend to solve in the next 6 days is one that has been bugging me for months. I used to really enjoy cycling yet this year I have not even bothered to clean my bicycle of the winter dust and get it ready to ride. I had planned to do this in March, right after being discharged from the hospital. By this time last year I had already peddaled 610.8 km. My goal this week is to get the bicycle out, clean it and go for a ride ... nothing terribly long, about 25 - 30 km or 60 - 90 minutes.

Start with something easily attained and that I enjoy. Try put some enjoyment back into my life. I feel that I am already moving along very well in my recovery and have reached many if not most of the goals I have set in the past 3 months ... but those goals have mostly been about work and the house. This time it's something for me.

Because I can.

29 - Summertime Worries ...

I learned something new today that I did not know when I wrote the blog entries for the medications I am taking. Now that the summer is here, this one has really pissed me off.

Nearly all psychiatric medications increase the body's sensitivity to the heat or sun. Photosensitivity is the result of drugs combining with proteins in the skin to form substances which react with direct light. Being in the sun for as little as 30 to 60 minutes can cause a variety of allergic skin rashes. Other signs of sensitivity are severe sunburn, nausea and vomiting, flushed or pale skin, and confusion and fainting.

Antipsychotics, and antidepressants, inhibit the body's ability to sweat. Antipsychotics also make the skin more susceptible to sunburn.

When your body gets too hot, the body first informs the brain of the elevated temperature. The brain then sends a message to blood vessels to increase blood flow to the skin. The heart also responds by working harder to circulate the blood.

Some drugs keep the body from increasing blood flow to the skin as needed. Psychiatric medications may block the body's message to the brain regarding the elevated temperature.

Sweating is an important way the body stays cool. Some medications may actually reduce sweating.

Some medications may cloud your judgment and the need for action.

If you are taking any psychiatric medications, be aware that your ability to deal with the heat may be impaired.

So, isn’t this wonderful news for the summer? Stay in the shade, lather yourself with sun block and don’t work too hard when you’re outdoors (even indoors if there is no air conditioning). The drugs can even make your eyes oversensitive to sunlight.

OK, you’re probably saying this can’t be too serious. Apparently, in this area of southern Ontario, in the last year or two, 2 people taking psychiatric medications have died because of these reactions to the sun and heat.

As I said earlier, this one really pisses me off.

28 - Thoughts, Emotions & Behaviour ...

Thoughts, emotions and behaviour are powerfully connected to each other. If you can change your emotions, your actions and thoughts will change. Change your thinking and you will act and feel differently. Change your way of doing things, and your thoughts and emotions will shift.

To overcome depression you have to work on your thoughts, emotions and behavious. Actions are easier to change than thoughts, and thoughts are easier to change than emotions.

When depressed, everything you do, think or feel is negative. Change one of the 3 to a positive and the other 2 will follow. The way to break the negative pattern is to engage in positive behaviour even though you may not feel like it. Include many things that usually (at least in the past) help you feel better.

That is the premise of the Changeways Program that I have started to follow in therapy. The first exercise (aside from reading our manuals and talking/listening) is to list activities that you have enjoyed in the past (prior to your full blown depression.

Here are some that I have been able to list ...

Cycling - I always enjoyed riding my bicycle. Last summer I rode 1,690 km (1,050 miles for you non-metric people) in 4 months.

Reading - years ago I used to read a book a week. Over time that has fallen off dramatically.

Walking - especially in the forest (after a light summer rain is a bonus) and around my neighborhood where most of the homes are close to 100 years old (mine is 116 years old) and lots of big trees.

Camping - being in the wilderness at one of the close by (within 2 - 3 hours) provincial parks is wonderful. I don't sleep as well as I used to on the bare ground so I have to bring an inflatable mattress or something similar.

Sex - the most incredible activity known to both man and womankind.

Computer Projects - Office applications, art applications ... so many programs and so little time.

Home Renovating - there is always something to do, things to fix or improve.

A lot of mood problems tend to be caused partly by lacking enjoyable activities in your life. When you are depressed you don't want to bother doing things you used to enjoy. You lack the energy, the motivation, the concentration to be able to do those activities.

How long do you think you could spend reading when, every time, you finish reading a page you have forgotten completely what you have just read ... so you start the page over again. You get to the bottom of the page once more and again have to start over. I have known others in the depression group who have had to restart a page 8 or 10 times before what they were reading managed to sink in.

Here are some reasons I listed those activities up above ...

Cycling - have not had any interest in even getting my bicycle out and cleaned.

Reading - requires too much concentration and focus.

Walking - just doesn't interest me.

Camping - no camping equipment (left it behind when I struck out on my own).

Sex - no partner. Not even a friend who would supply benefits.

Computer Projects - I do some surfing, e-mail, writing this blog and try to keep track of income and expenses and not much else.

Home Renovating - no money and my house only needs a couple of things done to it and they are major projects.

I guess the next step is to take one of these "fun" activities and set a goal of what I want to do with it. Then I break it down into why it has become a problem and then break down the problem and goals required into small steps (small bits are easier to achieve).

It will be a hard road to follow as it will require changes to some things that I have been doing for 30 years.

But, I will pick a single problem to focus on and I will conquer it. Why? Because I can.

27 - Fear, Suicide & God ...

Having diabetes can be a pretty intense fear if you think about it. Your vision is at risk, your kidneys may fail, a simple cut could become gangrenous and result in a limb amputation, nerves become damaged as do blood vessels. On average, most diabetics have developed some complication after living with the disease between 16 and 20 years. I have had diabetes for 38 years and have not suffered from any complication ... I am extremely lucky. In spite of the fear of complications there is one aspect of diabetes that, to me, is the most terrifying.

Hypoglycemia or low blood suger. When your blood sugar is low most diabetics get symptoms that allow them to treat the reaction. As mentioned previously, I do not have any symptoms when my blood sugar is low. Insulin reactions can happen at any time of the day or night. When I was married and sleeping with my wife, she would awaken to my tossing, sweating, etc.. At that point I do have a symptom but I am too far gone to be able to do anything for myself. She would take care of me, get me to drink a glass of juice and within a few minutes I had recovered.

My biggest fear is having a bout of low blood sugar in the middle of the night and having nobody beside me to help me recover or save my life. That sounds strange coming from somebody who regularly contemplates suicide. You see, to die from a diabetic hypoglycemic incident in the middle of the night would mean that I am not in control of the event. I would die without being able to say goodbye to my children, brother and sister, my parents or anybody else. I would not have been able to clean up the loose ends before my death. Could I die if my blood sugar level is extremely low? Absolutely.

I live alone and I think of this several times a week ... nobody there to help. That in itself can be a trigger to bring on a bout of depression.

Perhaps I should just date nurses.

There is another statement that could, in my case, bring on depression ... I should just date nurses. People who don't understand depression have no idea how quickly one can slip from being OK to sliding down the ramp into the black hole. It does happen just like that and it has happened to me while following the dating train of thought.

I am just going to date (fill in the blank). If there had been any negative thoughts wandering through my brain my reaction would have been ... Who in their right mind would want to date me? I am 55, I have diabetes, I have mental health issues, I am stupid, I am ignorant, I am the world's biggest loser, I am ugly, nobody cares about me, the children hate me, my parents think I am useless because I have 2 failed marriages ... and the list goes on and on. Only the first 3 statements are true (55, diabetic, mental health issues) and the rest are exaggerations or fabrications. But you take that slide and then wallow in the crap. Some will believe they deserve to be in shit up to their necks because they are not worthy of any better. Some will believe every negative thought is true and live their lives accordingly. Some recover.

So if anybody reading this knows a beautiful, single nurse ... let me know.

This is an area I am going to follow-up on in the future. As I was laying in bed this morning, thinking about death and suicide, I reflected back on my younger days in school. I was born a roman catholic and practiced (sort of) until my mid-teens. What we learned in religion classes is that it is a mortal sin for somebody to commit suicide. According to the church, only God has the power to give life and only God has the power and right to end a life and you will die at the moment that God has selected for you, neither before nor after.

If God is that powerful why does he allow children to be hurt and abused? Why does he allow pain and suffering? If He loves us all equally, why are there so many wars and and so many atrocites committed?

If I decide to take my life into my own hands and end it whenever I choose, if it isn't my pre-ordained time, God should stop me, right? Maybe kick my ass and tell me to hold on until He is ready for me. But He doesn't do that. If I want to die tonight, I can take my life. If He allows me to take my life then it must be my time.

Maybe that is convoluted thinking but it makes sense to me. I have not practiced religion for more years than I can remember. Is there a God as the church defines Him? I don't know and that has, over time, steered me to become an agnostic. I believe there is something greater than us but I don't know what.

Fear ... I want to be in control, not have a disease be in control.
Suicide ... I want it to be a valid option
God ... ??????????

26 - Big Day ...

Today was a great day because I worked hard most of the day. Working hard is great? You bet. I worked outside all day, spreading mulch, weeding, mowing the lawn (just have to get out the weed whacker (or is that wacker?) tomorrow), made a wonderful pasta for dinner, 4 loads of laundry that I hung outside to dry ... I even did my groceries at 8:30 this morning. What made the day even harder was the heat ... 32 or 33C. Two months ago, just thinking about doing what I accomplished today would have tired me out. But now is now and things have changed for me. All for the positive.

I am stronger mentally and physically. I don't get lost too often when I am working. I have some (but not all) of my motivation back. I still forget things on occasion, but the memory is improving too. I find myself doing rather than procrastinating most of the time.

I also did 45 minutes of cardio today. Tomorrow is 45 minutes cardio and 45 minutes resistance.

All in all it was a very successful day, a big day for me as I have not done this much in a single day in many, many months.

I have a few things to finish tomorrow (somebody has to iron that laundryand finish the lawn) but everything will be put on hold when the children stop by for father's day. M, A1 and A2 will be here late tomorrow morning. I know that A1 and A2 won't be allowed to stay very long but it's not their fault.

Dinner tomorrow will be a slow cooker shrimp and chicken jambalaya.

This was a great day because I could make it that way.

Good night.

25 - Suicide ...

Why do so many people who suffer from the illness of depression feel that suicide is the only way to fix matters? If you have been reading this journal you know that I have had many thoughts of ending my life. When you are in the dark hole your death is the only logical way to get yourself back into the light. If a depressed person can think logically.

Even though I believe that I am well away on the road to recovery I continue to have thoughts of suicide. Often it is several times a week, even if I have been doing well all week.

Whereas for many years I was terrified of dying, now I can welcome it as a friend. Even in a clear and logical train of thought I am no longer afraid. Is that because I have made peace with my fear? Is it because I ponder my death so frequently? Is it because I know that my death will bring peace to the demons I have in my head (even though they are not active now)?

I have discovered that diabetics are twice as likely to commit suicide as non-diabetics.

A fact about diabetes and low blood sugar (hypoglycemia). When you blood sugar is low it affects brain cells because they are not getting enough energy to function. This causes them to either die or malfunction.

A fact about depression. It is basically a chemical/electrical imbalance in your brain.

Could the imbalance have something to do with the dead/malfunctioning brain cells from hypoglycemic reactions? Could that be the reason why diabetics are more likely to end their lives?

Much of the balance of this entry has been taken from medical and mental health websites.

For those who are on the edge of suicide there is a list of questions you can ask yourself. It is called The Reasons For Living Inventory and it goes like this …

- I have a responsibility and commitment to my family.
- I believe I can learn to adjust to, or cope with, my problems.
- I believe I have control over my life and destiny.
- I believe only God has the right to end a life.
- I am afraid of death.
- I want to watch my children as the grow.
- LIfe is all we have and is better than nothing.
- I have future plans I am looking forward to carrying out.
- No matter how bad I feel, I know that it will not last.
- I love and enjoy my family too much and could not leave them.
- I am afraid that my method of killing myself would fail.
- I was to experience all that life has to offer, and there are many experiences I have not had yet that I want to have.
- It would not be fair to leave the children for others to take care of.
- I have a love of life.
- I am too stable to kill myself.
- My religious beliefs forbid it.
- The effect on my children could be harmful.
- It would hurt my family too much and I would not want them to suffer.
- I am concerned about what others would think of me.
- I consider it morally wrong.
- I still have many things left to do.
- I have the courage to face life.
- I am afraid of the actual "act" of killing myself (the pain, blood, violence)
- I believe killing myself would not really accomplish or solve anything.
- Other people would think I am weak and selfish.
- I would not want people to think I did not have control over my life.
- I would not want my family to feel guilty afterward.

If you are calm enough and in control you may be able to ask yourself the above questions. Theoretically it would work fine. But I would imagine that most people who do commit suicide are not in any shape to read the questions, let alone answer them with a clear head. I know that when I have been very depressed and thinking about killing myself I can think of nothing else. Meals are forgotten, medications are forgotten, I don’t even know what time it is.

On the other hand, as I have stated previously, I will be in full control when I do the deed. I will be cool, calm and my thoughts will be collected. I will have taken care of outstanding items that must be taken care of so that my estate does not have to worry about them. I feel almost that I will say to myself … next Saturday night I will do what I plan to get rid of the pain.

I used to always look at those who commit suicide as being so emotionally low and depressed that they cannot understand what they are thinking. It is as if another person, inside their brain, is controlling everything about them. I still think that way of suicide would be the norm. I wonder how many people have my appointment style outlook on suicide?

Many people at some time in their lives think about committing suicide. Most decide to live, because they eventually come to realize that the crisis is temporary and death is permanent. On other hand, people having a crisis sometimes perceive their dilemma as inescapable and feel an utter loss of control. These are some of the feelings and things they experience:
- Can’t stop the pain
- Can’t think clearly
- Can’t make decisions
- Can’t see any way out
- Can’t sleep, eat or work
- Can’t get out of depression
- Can’t make the sadness go away
- Can’t see a future without pain
- Can’t see themselves as worthwhile
- Can’t get someone’s attention
- Can’t seem to get control

Here are some ways to be helpful to someone who is threatening suicide:
- Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.
- Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.
- Be non-judgmental. Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or feelings are good or bad. Don’t lecture on the value of life.
- Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support.
- Don’t dare him or her to do it.
- Don’t act shocked. This will put distance between you.
- Don’t be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.
- Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.
- Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.
- Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention.

Of course you can only provide such help if you are invited in to the person’s moment. I believe that suicide is a very lonely thing. You don’t commit suicide with your family gathered around you saying goodbye. You don’t invite somebody in to help you beat the attempt. If you have invited somebody in you are already admitting that you don’t want to die in that moment. Perhaps next week, next month or next year will be a better time.

Suicide can be seen by someone as a kind of symbolic empowerment in a particular situation. It can be viewed as a way of saying "I am master of my own fate. I have a right to determine what happens to me, and this is the way that I’m going to say that."

More males commit suicide. As well as being male, several other risk factors for suicide have been identified.

Age: suicide in men peaks in the 20s and again in the 60s and 70s.

Unemployment: the suicide rate has been shown to rise and fall with the unemployment rate in a number of countries - half of the record 33,000 people who committed suicide in Japan in 1999 were unemployed.

Social isolation: those who kill themselves often live alone and have little contact with others; they may have been recently widowed or have never married.

Chronic illness: any chronic illness increases the risk of suicide.

Certain occupations: people with certain occupations are more likely to die by suicide, for example farmers (who usually work alone, may be unmarried and have access to the means of suicide, such as a shotgun or poisonous weedkiller).

Research has shown that the vast majority of those who kill themselves are mentally ill at the time of their death. Two thirds are troubled by a depressive illness and 20 per cent by alcoholism.

Of people with severe depressive illnesses, 10-15 per cent will commit suicide. Depressive illnesses are more common in women, but suicide is more common in men. Several possible explanations exist for this apparent discrepancy. Some 10-15 per cent of those who attempt suicide go on to complete suicide. In other words, 85-90 per cent do not.

Words of encouragement? What if I am in the 10 - 15 percent?

24 - New Psychiatrist ...

Today was a great day. It was sunny and warm all day and it was the first session for the depression group. I was very pleased at how well it went. But there is going to be work involved unlike the transition group where we simply talked. There will be a lot of talk in this new group but we will have assignments to read and exercises to write. It is not mandatory that you do the reading or writing but what is the point of attending if you don't? Recovery from depression is really a case of you get back what you put into the recovery process. The group is led my Leslie D. and Helen ... they have different styles but they compliment each other with their delivery. I am looking forward to this group as I will learn about signs, symptoms, changes and thinking.

I also met my new psychiatrist today. Dr. O'D only sees inpatients and does follow-up with them for about 6 weeks after they are discharged. Once you have finished seeing him he transfers you to the care of another staff psychiatrist. My new doctor is Dr. M and he is clearly a very sympathetic man. I had to endure all the same questions that I had already been asked 3 times when I was admitted in early March but that's fine. On certain ones Dr. M went into greater detail than I could recall from previous sessions of questions. He can't, after all, help me if he doesn't know everything that he must know. I think we will get along quite well together.

Also today I met a man I used to work with and spent a nice 90 minutes talking with him over a coffee (I had tea). The children were over for dinner and as always we had a nice time together. Lastly I went to the gym for a 45 minute cardio workout.

I will repeat the same line I opened with ... today was a great day.

23 - Have You Ever ...

Have you ever done something really stupid and thought later that you could have been hurt because of it? I did that tonight at the gym. I had finished my workout and gone to the locker room to shower and change. When I got to my locker I found somebody's gym bag right in front of my locker so I pushed it towards the open locker about 6 - 8 lockers away. There was a guy at the end of the area I was in, looking in the mirror and doing his hair.

I am not a big guy ... slim and trim but no big muscles. This guy was 30 - 35 kg heavier than me, perhaps 10 years younger and had big arms ... quite muscular.

As soon as I pushed the bag out of the way so I could open my locker he said to me ... "don't fucking touch my gym bag again". I told him that he should keep it closer to his own locker and out of other member's way.

He turned to face me and continued, "I'll put my fucking gym bag wherever the hell I want. If you need it moved you can fucking ask me to move it. Otherwise keep your hands off".

Now, here comes the stupid part ...

I looked down for a couple of seconds and took 2 slow, deep breaths then looked at him and said, "I have to take medications daily to control my anger and violent temper. I missed my last dose."

This big, rather tough looking guy started apologizing profusely, pulled his stuff from the locker, crammed it into the gym back and left without so much as a backward glance. When I heard the door to the locker room shut behind him I started laughing.

I was lucky he wimped out and didn't push the matter because he could have easily beat the crap out of me if he wanted to. I have no idea why I said what I did ... it sort of just came out.

Stupid, stupid, stupid ... but funny. I wonder how he will react if I see him again?

22 - Wellbutrin ...

The third (and last) medication prescribed to help control the depression is called Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. I was advised that Wellbutrin also gave the patient an energy boost. I started off on a 100mg dose and I never noticed an increase in energy. At the time my energy level was so low I would have noticed even a miniscule boost. The dose was increased to 300mg and it was like I was in a room that was lit by 40 watt bulbs and they were replaced by 100 watt bulbs … there was an incredible difference and a great change for the positive.

Here are some of the side effects of Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin is used to relieve mental depression and is used as part of a support program to help you stop smoking. (Already I am worried).

It may cause unwanted effects in nursing babies

The presence of other medical problems may affect the use of Wellbutrin.
Anorexia nervosa
Brain tumor
Bulimia
Drug abuse
Head injury
Mental retardation
Seizure disorders
Sudden stop in drinking alcohol or using sedatives or benzodiazepines (alprazolam [e.g., Xanax], diazepam [e.g., Valium], triazolam [e.g., Restoril])-The risk of seizures may be increased when Wellbutrin is taken by patients with these conditions
Bipolar disorder
Other nervous, mental, or emotional conditions
High blood pressure
Heart disease
Kidney disease
Liver disease

Wellbutrin may cause some people to be agitated, irritable or display other abnormal behaviors. It may also cause some people to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies or to become more depressed.

Wellbutrin may cause some people to feel a false sense of well-being, or to become drowsy, dizzy, or less alert than they are normally.

Check with your doctor as soon as possible if any of the following side effects occur :
More common
Agitation; anxiety
Less common
Buzzing or ringing in ears; headache (severe); skin rash, hives, or itching
Rare
Confusion; extreme distrust; fainting; false beliefs that cannot be changed by facts; hallucinations; seizures (convulsions); trouble concentrating


Incidence not determined
Actions that are out of control; anger; assault; attack; being impulsive; chest pain or discomfort; fast or pounding heartbeat; force; inability to sit still; irritability; need to keep moving; nervousness; restlessness; sweating; talking, feeling, and acting with excitement

Other side effects may occur that usually do not need medical attention:
More common
Abdominal pain; constipation; decrease in appetite; dizziness; dryness of mouth; increased sweating; nausea or vomiting; trembling or shaking; trouble in sleeping; weight loss (unusual)
Less common
Blurred vision; change in sense of taste; drowsiness; feeling of fast or irregular heartbeat; frequent need to urinate; muscle pain; sore throat; unusual feeling of well-being


At least they don’t say death is a possibility although they do state that suicidal thoughts or becoming even more depressed is a possibility.

I look at the side effects of all three medications (Effexor, Risperdal and Wellbutrin), combine them and compare with an unmedicated, major depression. Am I better off with medications or trying to handle the illness “naturally”?

I have been taking the medications for 4 ½ months and I am doing very well. I have not had many of the side effects so I will continue on my present path.

I will get better and overcome my depression because I can.

21 - Risperdal ...

The second medication I was prescribed is called Risperdal and it is an antipsychotic. This medication starts working pretty quickly and, from what I understand, takes up the slack while waiting for the Effexor to start working. Another benefit is that it helps promote sleep, and when you haven’t slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for several months, the promise of sleep is wonderful.

Here are some of the side effects of Risperdal.

Contact your doctor immediately if you experience fever, sweating, severe muscle stiffness (rigidity), confusion, fast or irregular heart beat. These could be symptoms of a potentially fatal side effect called Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS).

May cause dizziness or drowsiness. Dizziness may be more likely to occur when rising from a sitting or lying position

Alcohol may increase drowsiness and dizziness while taking Risperdal

Avoid becoming overheated in hot weather and during exercise. Risperdal may increase the risk of heat stroke

Elderly patients with dementia-related psychosis treated with Risperdal are at an increased risk of death compared to placebo

Hyperglycemia (increased blood sugar) has been reported in patients treated with atypical antipsychotics including Risperdal. Talk to your doctor if you experience any signs of hyperglycemia including excessive thirst, frequent urination, excessive hunger or weakness

Risperdal is in the FDA pregnancy category C. This means that it is not known whether Risperdal will be harmful to an unborn baby.

It is not known whether Risperdal passes into breast milk

An increased risk of stroke and transient ischemic attack (TIA, "mini-stroke") has been associated with the use of Risperdal in elderly patients with dementia-related psychosis

If you experience any of the following serious side effects, stop taking Risperdal and seek emergency medical treatment or contact your doctor immediately:
• an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of the throat; swelling of the lips, tongue, or face; or hives)
• uncontrollable movements of the tongue, face, lips, arms, or legs
• muscle spasms of the face or neck
• severe restlessness or tremor
• severe drowsiness or fainting
• irregular or very fast heartbeat

Other, less serious side effects may be more likely to occur. Continue to take Risperdal and talk to your doctor if you experience
• mild restlessness, drowsiness, or tremor
• insomnia
• blurred vision
• dizziness or headache
• nausea
• weight gain

Risperdal may increase the effects of other drugs that cause drowsiness, including antidepressants, alcohol, antihistamines, sedatives (used to treat insomnia), pain relievers, anxiety medicines, and muscle relaxants

This list goes from being slightly tired all the way to possible death. I guess that covers everything doesn’t it?

Being diabetic, I especially liked the side effect of hyperglycemia (high blood sugar).

20 - Effexor ...

The first medication I was prescribed when I entered the hospital in March is called Effexor and it is an antidepressant. It takes from 4 – 6 weeks for it to start working in your system. Once it started working it works well for me. I did notice some changes in me so I went looking on the web for information about this medication. Here are some of the highlights I found direct from the Wyeth website.

Effexor affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression or anxiety. Effexor is thought to work by affecting 2 naturally occurring brain chemicals, serotonin and norepinephrine. This helps relieve your symptoms. It may take several weeks for your symptoms to get better with Effexor.

Contact your doctor if you have any of the following side effects, especially if they are new symptoms or if they get worse: mood changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, irritability, agitation, aggressiveness, severe restlessness, mania (mental and/or physical hyperactivity), or thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself.

If you have any of the following serious side effects, stop taking Effexor and contact your doctor immediately or seek emergency medical treatment:
• an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing, closing of the throat, swelling of the lips, tongue, or face or hives)
• low blood pressure (dizziness, weakness)
• high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision)
• fever or chills.

Less serious side effects may be more likely to occur. Continue to take Effexor and talk to your doctor if you experience:
• sweating
• blurred vision
• insomnia, sleepiness, yawning
• weakness, dizziness, confusion/agitation, tremor, palpitations
• nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, gas
• decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm, abnormal ejaculation
• dry mouth
• tremor, nervousness, anxiety trouble concentrating
• changes in appetite or weight

When people suddenly stop using Effexor they can get symptoms from stopping the medicine too fast. Some of these symptoms include:

Agitation Insomnia
Anxiety Loss of appetite
Confusion Nausea
Diarrhea Nervousness
Dizziness or vertigo Nightmares
Dry mouth Seizures
Fasciculation (muscle twitching) Sensory disturbances
Headaches Tinnitus
Hypomania Unpleasant mood
Vomiting


I wonder if they left anything out … maybe breathing, blinking or walking?
There I was, admitted to the hospital with a major depression and very strong thoughts of suicide and what do they give me? A medication that could increase thoughts of suicide. Rather ironic isn’t it?

Maybe I’ll get another list of side effects for other meds I am taking.

19 - A Bit Of Nothing ...

Sunday and it was a nice, comfy day. Nothing happening in the depression world.

Watched a boring F1 race this morning, did laundry and ironing, ran about town for/with A1 and A2 and discovered Susie Arioli. She is a jazz singer and some of her music is absolutely wonderful. Some of it is also a little different. You should check her out if you like interesting jazz ... mellow, a little bluesy as well.

A1 and A2 had a bit of a disagreement over who was going to use the computer after dinner. A2 had used it quite a bit today, listening to music. Of course they both turned to me with ... "but Dad" ... I suggested they work in out nicely between them. A2 had his feelings hurt a little and A1 got her way (as she so often does with A2). A2 is one of the most considerate and compassionate little boys I have ever come across. He will give something up in order to make somebody happy without any hesitation. I talked with A2 in the living room a bit later and gave him lots of credit and praise for being the boy he is but that he sometimes had to stand up to A1. We'll see how that turns out.

I managed to do all but 1 thing on my to do list ... cut the lawn. Yesterday there was rain and today was windy and quite cool, so I was able to procrastinate about the lawn until it was too late. Either one night after work or next weekend for sure. No getting out of it.

18 - A1 and I ...

Last year, A1 became a teenager. We have a great relationship but she is at the age where friends are more important than parents. This is my weekend to have them with me but neither of them are here. A2 was not feeling well and he wanted to go home and sleep in his bed and A1 had a sleepover. It's really strange to watch her growing up on her way to becoming a woman. She will watch some television and one hour she is watching a soap opera or drama while the next hour she is watching a cartoon that she used to watch 8 or 10 years ago. She just can't decide which way to go ... not that she is doing anything intentionally.

I don't see the children enough but I take what I can. I miss the days when I would read to her every day ... always at bedtime, often during the evening, sometimes in the day or weekend mornings before even getting out of bed. It was always a joy to see the look on her face, a smile to a frown, to have her ask questions about the story, to have her trying to figure out the ending before we arrived at the finish.

Once when I was away for a few days, A1 was about 2 I think, I arrived home and walked into the house at about 10PM. A1 was up having had to go to the bathroom. She had heard the door close and my footsteps as I walked in. She screamed "Daddy's home", got off the toilet, ran towards me wearing a big smile and nothing from the waist down and flung herself into my arms and gave me a big hug and kiss.

Nothing will be able to repeat those feelings. They are so special, so warm and cherished that I can still feel them from 11 or 12 years ago. They don't fade with age or time.

Thinking about them make me happy but also saddens me and brings me down a bit. Because they won't happen again. Oh she'll be happy, hug me, tell me that she loves me and I know that when she grows up some more she'll want to spend more time with me. While her friends are more important right now I know she'll be back.

I love you A1.

17 - Differences In Temperament

I have always been, in my opinion, a rather easy going, laid back sort of guy. Like all of us though I have been known to lose my temper on occasion, sometimes rather quickly to boot.

Since being discharged from the hospital in mid-March I find myself with no temper that gets lost. There is very little that annoys me these days. Another driver cuts me off or is slow to accelerate from a stop? No problem, what's the rush. A co-worker does something stupid? I politely point out the error of their ways and hope they learn and won't repeat it again.

Example 1 ... somebody in our department renamed a file that I use regularly and almost exclusively. A shortcut I have on my desktop to launch the file didn't work today so I went to find it manually. That is when I discovered that it had been renamed. I sent an e-mail to everybody in the department asking them all to not rename any public file without advising everbody. I also pointed out that file names are often referenced in our ISO9000 work instructions so I reminded them that when changing a filename, the work instructions that mention that filename must also be changed.

Example 2 ... I had to point out to the VP of Engineering that a function they use in creating manuals has an adverse effect on our department and creates unnecessary work. Nicely said. I received a response from him saying that he will work on a solution. This fact has previously been pointed out to him but not always in the best way. His previous responses have always been ... that's the way we do it so you'll have to adapt.

I don't snap as I would sometimes. Is it the positive outlook, the effects of depression or the medication?

16 - A Slow Day ...

It was a slow day today ... lots of work at the office and I was able to get through some of it. But I became very tired in the afternoon. Right after dinner today I fell asleep for 15 minutes then I went to workout. The workout was good and I did the 90 minute routine with no problems. My last blood test just before I left the gym to return home was low again (2.8).

I was falling asleep on the couch a few minutes ago and am going to bed. I wonder how much of the tiredness I feel so often is due to the depression, how much is due to the medications and how much is due to being busy. I am sure there is no way to find out but it would be interesting information.

I have been thinking about how much a positive attitude can influence the way you deal with a depression. If you become positive ... about your path to wellness, about your ability to cope, about how you are in charge and how you won't succomb to the overwhelming blackness of depression ... I am certain that you would benefit and that it would reduce the amount of time you are incapicated. I can only look at myself as a test subject but if it works for me it could/should work for others as well. Maybe the hospital should do some research with patients. Unfortunately, from what I have seen the in hospital, there are not a lot of people who could qualify as depressed and positive. Motivational speakers perhaps?

15 - Journaling Helps ...

I had a great day today. I went to the gym and the blood sugar readings were OK (at least I didn't worry about them too much) and I managed to get everything done.

I spent 90 minutes at the hospital today talking to Leslie D. and Ruth. These 2 women have helped me get in control of the depression more than anybody else. They talk and give ideas and when I actually try what they suggest ... voila, things usually work well.

When I first went to Leslie D. she gave me a test to determine just how bad (or good) I was on the "depression scale". I scored a 29 and that equates to severe or major depression. I was in bad shape and did not know how I was going to cope with what lay before me. Today, 5 weeks after the first test, she asked me to complete the test again and I scored a 9 ... and that is a great improvement. With the score at that level it means that I have very little depression or it is under control. Tonight I am giving myself a pat on the back ... I have worked hard at getting better and it is paying off.

The hard work has involved a change in thinking and a change of outlook. I am no longer looking at everything as impossible. I no longer think of myself as a failure. I may fail at something but I am no a failure. Before I knew that I didn't have any friends, nothing has changed but I know that if I needed a friend I would have one (or more) to support me. I am more positive now. The 6 day a week exercise has paid big dividends. Another big help in overcoming the depression is this journal. Since I started it a couple of weeks ago it feels like an enormous weight has been lifted from my brain. I have learned about me and why I may have fallen down the black hole. I have put things in order. I understand from my own words what is going on and how to better work on situations in order to beat them or prevent them from happening again.

If I were to offer advice to anyone who is suffering from depression I would tell them the following ...
(1) change your attitude ... stop waiting for only the medications to make you better. Without your participation the meds won't do it by themselves.
(2) make your attitude positive and look at things positively. Pat yourself on the back if nobody else will.
(3) exercise as hard as you can as often as you can.
(4) journal. It clears the brain and allows you to analyze what, when, where and why you have become depressed.

The road is not easy and requires a lot of work and possible a whole new outlook for you. But is is possible and the rewards are enormous. Unless, of course, you enjoy the place you're at.

Needless to say this won't work for everybody ... but a positive outlook, exercise, etc. is good for everybody.

Talking with Ruth was a pleasure as usual. She was very interested in the idea of journaling online as I am doing. We talked about that as well as various other topics, some dealing with depression and getting better and some about items in the news.

If I were to rate today I would give it 100%.

14 - Hypoglycemic Workout ...

I went for my cardio and resistance workout tonight. My blood sugar before exercise was 6.something. Kind of low to start so I drank 250ml of apple juice diluted with water. Diluted juice gets into your bloodstream much quicker than anything else. I usually use from 40 - 50% juice.

Started the workout with 10 minutes of cardio, followed by a resistance machine, followed by another 10 minutes of cardio. Tested my blood again and I was at 2.9 and that is starting to get worrisome. I had intended to hit the treadmill next but because that burns so much sugar I decided to continue with the resistance machines that aren't as hard on blood sugar levels.

I drank 500ml of my juice/water and did the rest of the machines. All that was left was the treadmill. I took another test and I had climbed to 3.6 but it was still way too low to even think about the treadmill. So I checked out and after showering I came home. Having to constantly monitor my blood sugar levels and always with the fear that it will get too low and I'll crash takes some of the pleasure away from the workout.

It's a giant pain in the ass having to check my blood sugar levels ... I would love to be able to get to the gym and work as hard as I want and not have to worry about passing out.

Insulin and pills, I take a few of them. Here is my daily schedule for medications ..

Breakfast
7u Humalog Insulin
1 x 50mg Cozaar (hypertension - don't have it but this is supposed to prevent it)
1 x low dose Aspirin
1 x 150mg Welbutrin (anti-depressant)

10:30AM
8u Lantus Insulin

Lunch
4u Humalog Insulin

2:30PM
1 x 150mg Welbutrin

Dinner
10u Humalog Insulin

8:30PM
2u Humalog Insulin
1 x .25mg Risperdal (anti-psychotic that helps me sleep)
1 x 40mg Zocor (high cholesterol - don't have it and this is supposed to prevent it)
1 x 150mg Effexor (anti-depressant)

Bedtime
9u Lantus Insulin

Also, I take up to 8 blood tests a day and my fingertips get sore from being pricked.

Diabetics, even more than non-diabetics, have to very aware of hyper-tension and high LDL cholesterol, so I take pills. When my endocrinologist brought up the high cholesterol a few years ago, he first suggested that it could be lowered and monitored simply by diet. I said, "Doc, I have been on a diet for 34 years (at the time) so just give me a pill". Unfortunately I did not know at the time that I would soon be taking 3 or 4 additional pills.

It's not fun carrying around a small pharmacy, monitoring blood glucose levels all the time and worrying about passing out if I work too hard at the gym.

13 - Exercise ...

I am a firm believer in exercising your body regularly. I am 55 years old and I believe that I am in better shape than 75% of the over 30 population in Cambridge.

Exercise is good for everyone in every age group for health reasons. We all know it helps your cardio system, your muscles and it relieves stress. It is especially beneficial for those of us suffering form mental health issues.

As I am sure you know, exercise releases endorphins that resemble opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a sense of well-being. Endorphins are found in the brain and have pain-relieving properties similar to morphine. Besides behaving as a pain regulator, endorphins are also thought to be connected to physiological processes including euphoric feelings, appetite modulation, and the release of sex hormones. Prolonged, continuous exercise contributes to an increased production and release of endorphins, resulting in a sense of euphoria.

A sense of well-being. Euphoric feelings. You get those feelings after you have exercised for a period of time and those feelings stay with you for hours after. You do have to exercise fairly hard but not working hard produces few or no benefits for your body or your brain.

When I exercise I feel very good. There is little or no pain, neither in my body nor my head. Believe me, the last thing I am thinking about while exercising is how depressed I am or how anxious I am about an upcoming event. And you can also feel better if you have a certain distance, time or weight you want to beat and you succeed. It’s an accomplishment and you should feel good about being a winner.

Dr. O’D mentioned, during one of my appointments when we were speaking about my exercise routine, that a study had been conducted in California that concluded that in cases of minor depression, a regular exercise program had as much benefit to the patient as the anti-depressant medication did.

So get exercising … for your heart, for your head, for your life.

12 - Books About ...

Who writes all the books about mental health issues (depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, SAD, bipolar, etc)?

Doctors? Nurses? Social Workers? Psychologists? Therapists? Or is it the patients suffering from mental health issues?

There are hundreds of textbooks and workbooks on the subject and I am sure they are written by the first 5 groups I noted above. I am certain they are all relevant books and some are better than others. I have only worked with a couple so the statements I am going to make may not be justified, but I believe I am correct.

These are books that are written based on what the author thinks somebody should do in order to get better. Theoretically they are great, but in practice many of the exercises are extremely difficult, if not impossible, to perform.

From what I have read and been instructed by therapists, when you are having an issue you have to recognize it and stop it in its tracks. Good idea. The suggested ways to do this are many and varied but the method I was reading about over the past few days involves asking yourself questions, breaking down the issue into workable chunks, trying to figure out what is controlling the thoughts, trying to figure out if the thoughts are catastrophic or if they show you have given up, etc., etc., etc..

I’ll tell you something … if I start going down into the bowl of hell … there is no way I am going to be able to stop the process and start asking myself questions and giving myself answers. Yes you can stop the process by distracting yourself (the easiest being to pinch yourself or give yourself a small pain) but to suddenly become a reasoning human being as you’re falling is, in my opinion, as likely to happen as getting a date with Keira Knightley! Not going to happen. Now some people may read this and say I am not trying or giving up before it can work (yes, that’s one of the problems with depression or anxiety attacks). But I am basing my statement on my life with 38 years of diabetes.

Most (probably 98%) of the world’s diabetics are given warning signs that their blood sugar level is falling and they should do something about it. This happens when they are still mentally quick and can reason and think. They may start sweating, their vision may become blurred, they may tremble a bit or they may get any one of several other symptoms. So they get themselves a juice or some other sugary substance and within minutes their blood sugar is up where it should be.

I, on the other hand, get no warning signs or symptoms until my blood sugar level is dangerously low. Low to the point that it astounds medical staff that I can continue to walk without falling down, that I can talk coherently, that I can see straight. The problem is that at that low level a very slight change to a lower reading means disaster. The other 98% go lower and they recognize it so they usually don’t get down to the pass-out phase. I go directly from feeling very good to the pass-out phase.

I have a hard time picking up on hints that people drop. Ex-wife #1 used to play a song multiple times a night. It was a French song called Laissez Moi Partir that means Let Me Leave. I am fluently bilingual and understood every word of the song. It was sad but pretty and I thought she played it because she liked it so much. Stupid me.

So I am saying that if these textbooks and workbooks all tell me to perform thinking and writing exercises while I fall off the ladder I doubt it will work for me.

True, the workbook I am using now in the depression course and group therapy I am attending, does say (in a small, few line paragraph at the end of a chapter) that if it is impossible to perform the thinking and writing exercises while the fall is happening you can do the work when you get back. But do I really want to revisit what brought me down originally?

But back to my original statement. We know that “educated” people write the books and offer suggestions, exercises and explanations. Have any of these authors ever suffered from depression or anxiety? Are they bi-polar? I would not think so. It’s great that they offer all these suggestions but they have not been to the dark and stark land we live in. In theory, all of their suggestions should work. But when you get to the real world it’s a different scenario. I believe the textbooks and workbooks would be much more relevant to the patient is they were written by other sufferers.

That is one reason why the group therapy is so good. You have a problem dealing with a particular aspect of your illness. You voice your concern to the group and you will get others members of the group who have had the same or similar problems tell you how they handled the circumstances. And it works.

People who have lived the life have more practical suggestions that those who have only observed.

11 - Update 6/6/06 ...

Now that I have brought everything pretty much up to date as far as how I fell down the black hole and what has taken place to keep me from falling again, I will use this blog to keep track of when and why I get depressed as well as when and why I feel good. I will also continue entries on various topics about depression.

This past weekend (June 3 – 4) was excellent. The weather was wet on the Saturday but very nice Sunday afternoon. What made me feel so good this weekend? I had made a list of things I wanted to accomplish and was successful on 3 of the tasks while 1 of the tasks was rained out. In addition to the task list (a list that is supplementary to regular around the house chores) I did the regular around the house chores (laundry, ironing, some cleaning, etc.). I also hit the gym on both days.

Under normal (ie non-depressed) circumstances, doing tasks never made me feel good. They were simply things I had to get done. With a different outlook I feel good about taking on a task and completing it. Why? Because for several months I was unable to accomplish anything. I would stop doing something minutes after starting it and I never went back to complete it. I take this as a good sign of my recovery.

But on the other hand, I find myself forgetting to do things that have been an everyday part of my life for years. Twice in the past week I forgot to take my insulin at dinner hour. I have been taking insulin at dinner for close to 30 years and now I forget injections. Fortunately this happened on nights when I went to the gym. When at the gym I take a blood glucose reading 3 times during the workout. At the first test I noticed my reading was high and at the second test (after completing the cardio portion) it was even higher. When I completed the workout it was higher still. It was then, after trying to figure out why it was going high, I realized that I had forgotten the insulin. As soon as I returned home I took my injection and my blood glucose level returned to normal after a couple of hours.

When I say my readings were high I mean very high … 25 – 30 mmol. when a normal reading is 4 – 7 for most people. Because I get no symptoms to warn me of low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), I should keep my blood sugar between 7 and 10 (on doctor’s orders).

Another thing I have noticed is that if I relax for an hour (laying on the couch or bed), when I get up I am extremely dizzy for 30 seconds. This started when I was in the hospital (when I was on 2mg doses of Risperdal) and disappeared as I went to lower doses. But over the past few weeks I have noticed it happening again. In the hospital, I would feel dizzy and light-headed first thing in the morning when I got up. Now it happens at all hours of the day or evening but it is only when I am relaxed.

What have I learned since the beginning of the year? Then I was a blubbering idiot, ready to die. I am no longer blubbering. The dying part is on a back burner. The issues I have in my brain are still there, they are just masked by the medications.

10 - I ...

I am George

I deserve to be happy

I deserve to smile and laugh

I deserve friends who care about me

I will accept good things when they happen

I do not deserve hurt and pain

I will not accept turmoil and despair

I will not accept failure on my road to recovery

I am a good person

9 - Discoveries ...

During my time in hospital and the time I have spent in therapy I have learned many things about myself, about medications and about the people who live in the world.

Nurses and therapists care so much about their patients. They tend to bend over backwards to help people, they go the extra mile. Sure we will all meet some who don’t care but the average nurse or therapist cares about us more than we know. I suppose I knew that, like most people know it, but it makes a big difference when it is in your face because you are the one needing their help … thank you for being who you are.

I have learned that I am a pretty decent man and not the stupid, ignorant, lazy, pathetic loser I thought I was for several months at the end of last year and early this year. I am intelligent, resourceful, kind, considerate, compassionate and caring. I have a heart that I will open up to help somebody. I will be a good Samaritan when required. Since being out of the hospital I have not become angry or upset with anybody or anything (damn drivers cutting you off!). I have learned that we spend too much time being angry and I will not have that as part of my life. I am laid back and easy going … stress will run off my back like water off the duck’s back. All of these will require time before they are the default settings in my life … but I will reach those goals a step at a time … because I can.

I have learned that no matter how ill I may be, there are many, many more who are in much worse shape than I am. I have met many of them in therapy and, compared to them, I cannot complain about my mental health issues. I have met wonderful people who have suffered cocaine and alcohol addiction and have worked their way through those substance abuse addictions while at the same time going through a major depression. I am humbled by people like that. I have met people who believed (at one point in their lives) that they were Jesus Christ or Elvis Presley and they travelled the road to recovery and beat their delusions. I have met people afraid to take a bus or go to the mall who worked hard, took the right medications and the right therapy and can now do what they were never able to do before. I have met somebody with very serious mental health issues who started writing about what he went through and is now well on the way to completing a book. The remarkable thing there is that he never wrote anything prior to his health issues.

I have mentioned previously that a lot of the people in the therapy group seem to rely only on medications to help them get better. When you meet them and inquire how they are doing, the responses all tend to be … not too good, having a rough week, not well, etc.. In the almost 3 months that I have been out of the hospital I have had 2 episodes of blackness. One lasted most of a day while the second was limited to a couple of hours before I was able to get the thoughts out of my brain. Compared to the rest of the group, I am doing much better than others based on the amount of
time I am down or the number of episodes I have. If I only see the blackness once every couple of months, the mental strength I have, the education I am receiving in therapy and the positive outlook I maintain will see me through the worst of these.

I have learned that sometimes your friends and acquaintances are not really your friends. As a matter of fact when somebody discovers that you have mental health issues (or that you’re crazy or a lunatic, or have spent time in the psych ward or loony bin) you may never ever see that person again. Because you can’t be trusted not to go off the deep end in their presence. People understand a broken limb, they understand a cut and stitches, they understand a black eye because they can see the damage or problem. With mental health issues they see nothing and cannot understand what is wrong. They can’t see the misfirings in my brain, they can’t see the blackness that overwhelms me, they can’t see why I would want to end my life. Somebody called me a coward for wanting to take the “easy” way out. I don’t think I am a coward. I have been to the front lines of the war and seen the enemy and the enemy is my own brain.

I have learned about medications. I have seen anti-depressants that give you an enormous hunger and cause a huge weight gain. I have seen medications that make people stutter temporarily. I have seen medications make people sleep 20 hours in a day and then go back to bed after 4 or 5 hours of being awake because they are tired. Then they will sleep another dozen hours … I have been there on that one. One side effect of all but one (I think) anti-depressant is a total loss of sexual drive and the (for a man) inability to achieve or maintain an erection … I have been there on that one too. One of the best pleasures we will ever know and it looks like it is off limits for me until things return to normal … in a month or a year or whenever. I have seen people walking around almost zombie-like because the medication overpowers their emotions … been there as well.

It is a long and arduous road that all of us with mental health issues have to travel if we want to get better. Some of us will succeed and some of us will fail. Some will lose friendships because of the stigma attached to the issue but some of us will make new friendships because of those same issues. I already have. With therapy, medications and support I will be one who succeeds.

Want to know why? Because I can.

8 - Home ...

As I have stated in a previous post, when I am at work I have specific tasks that I want to accomplish. When I am at home I generally find myself floundering, nothing to do, nowhere to go, tasks that often get put on hold due to lack of energy. I do most of the things that I must do but if there is any possibility of putting them off, I do.

I have to ask myself why this is happening to me. I have procrastinated from time to time like anybody else does but never to this extent. Leslie D. suggested making a list of tasks or of making appointments (at 2:00 o’clock I will do this for 20 minutes). Doing that will give me a start time and a duration time and if I do more than the 20 minutes, it’s a bonus. Today I made my first such list and I think I had too many tasks on it … 5 of them. I did manage to do 3 of them in the afternoon. While I did not do the 5 (rain prevented me from doing 1 of the 2 that were not done), I am still proud that I accomplished what I did.

Again, why is this procrastination such a huge part of my life? The depression is surely part of the reason. My energy level is still lower than it used to be. My motivation, while it is starting to come back, still lags way behind where it should be. Could the medications be part of the reason? I guess anything is possible.

My home routine is pretty repetitive during the week. Get home from work, check mail, have dinner, watch 3 newscasts (consecutively, not concurrently), go to the gym, get home and relax for a hour or two either on the computer or in front of the television, go to bed. Then start all over the next day.

One thing that has changed for me is the number of hours I have spent watching television. Other than newscasts, the odd sports event or a medical show, I did not spend a lot of time with the television. Now (particularly the weeks I spent at home) I watch much more on the tube. I think that was because of the boredom (another reason I returned to work before the doctor wanted me to).

I spend a fair amount of time running around on the weekends the children are over but that will change in the future. A1 is 13 (soon to be 14) and she would much rather spend time with her friends than with dear old dad. I know that will happen and I expect it. I will soon have to start making the time we spend together high quality time. I know it is a stage in the growing up period but I don’t have to like it do I? I also know that once she reaches a certain age she will spend more and better time with me … girls!! A2 is 11 and he really enjoys coming over whenever he can. He will end up much as A1 is growing, but I think he is a little different and may always spend more time with me that his sister cares to.

There is one thing about the children that hurts me though. When they are with me, A1 calls her mother 4 or 5 times (sometimes more) in a day. Even A2 will call at least once. I don’t mind that at all and would never try to prevent it from happening. The hurtful part is that when they are with their mother for the weekend they never call me. Never may be too harsh a word but it is quite close to the truth. I am not talking about the calls when they need something or help doing something. It’s the calls to just say “hi” that I don’t get. Every night that they sleep here they phone their mother to say goodnight. They have never called me to say goodnight. It may sound like petulant bitching, but it really does hurt.

Just for the record, I phone them every night to ask about how they are, what they did in the day, if there is anything new in their lives and to wish them a good night and a great day to follow. True, some may say that I never give them a chance to call me and I should stop calling and then they will call me. On a couple of occasions I missed calling them and they do call the next day. The first thing out of their mouths is “how come you didn’t call last night”.

I have always thought that I would be a perfect candidate to be lost on a desert island. I was mentally strong and did not need people to make me happy. What I went through from December through the end of February has taught me different. I am neither stronger nor weaker than the average Joe. I would like to have adult company much of the time, I would love to be able to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie, somebody to hold me and help me beat the fears I have, somebody to share my thoughts and ideas with, somebody who would say “everything’s going to be OK” when I am distressed. Doesn’t that sound like the plaint of far too many people in the world? I am simply one of the walking wounded in relationships. Will it change? I hope so.

7 - Working Life ...

At the beginning of April I returned to work on a part time basis, 3 day per week (Monday, Wednesday and Thursday). For the first couple of weeks I was very quiet, didn’t smile, didn’t laugh. I sat in my cubicle and worked on 1 or 2 tasks every day and felt good when I completed them. Fortunately for me I have an understanding boss and the president of the company has given me a lot of room to work on getting better. And I have used that lenient blessing when I have had to. For the first couple of weeks my ability to concentrate was limited to about 10 minutes before I would lose track of what I was doing. Because of that it was taking me a full day to complete tasks that would normally have taken a couple of hours.

Because concentrating so hard on anything requires a lot of effort, I would go home at the end of the day completely drained. Until this illness struck me full force I was not often aware of concentrating on something … it was simply a normal way of working. But, let me tell you, forcing yourself to concentrate for many hours a day is extremely tiring. And when you factor in the lack of motivation, the lack of energy and the short term memory loss … it wasn’t a pretty picture.

As I mentioned in another posting, I wanted to return to work sooner rather than later because I wanted to try and kick start the areas that had disappeared completely or were not functioning properly. My other choice was to wait until Dr. O’D decided when I was sufficiently recovered to try working again. I was not prepared to accept that because I could end up like others in the group, becoming dependant on the medications to fix what was wrong. Dr. O’D called me a controlling person … I wanted to be in control if or when I would die, I want to be in control of my diabetes, I will control the outcome of this mental health issue. I may fail miserably on all three points but I will have given it my best effort. How great would life be if you never made an effort? My life may not be great but I have made it that way and I cannot blame anybody else. I am responsible for the outcome. I am in control.

Hmmmm … guess I wandered a bit there.

I spent 2 months working 3 days per week. Every week became easier and easier. My mood improved, my concentration improved, while I still forget some things, my memory has improved, I have a bit more energy and a little motivation. All in all … I am kicking the ass of this illness.

At the beginning of June (this week as a matter of fact) I have returned to work 4 days per week on the condition that if I find it too hard I can revert to 3 days. After 1 week I don’t think I will have to return to the shorter week. The toughest part of the week was Tuesday and Friday when I looked at my watch … 10:30AM … and I thought to myself that this was the first Tuesday (or Friday) that I have worked in 3 months and in that 3 months I would still have been in bed at this time.

When I have to get up to go to work or if I have an appointment I have no problem, whatsoever, getting up and out of bed. But if I don’t have to get up for any reason I can easily stay in bed until the lunch hour or even mid-afternoon as I have done on occasion. That is so totally unlike me. The only time, in my life, that I would stay in bed late was when I was ill (yes, I know I am ill now but it is different from being physically ill, at least for me). I don’t believe there has been such a total and remarkable change in my sleeping habits. I do believe that the medications are the major factor. While I don’t like missing out on so much daylight I don’t regret sleeping late. Because I have spent so much of my life as a light sleeper, often waking up 8 or 10 times in a night, and because of the months of only a couple of hours of sleep, Leslie D. thought that my extra sleep these day is making up for all the sleep I was never able to have. I don’t buy into that thought very much. Sure it is possible but sleeping long hours in 2006 can’t have much to do with losing sleep from 2003 – 2005 … can it?

Off track a little bit there too.

As of today, work is going better, I am accomplishing more but I still lose focus at times and end up at my desk, in my cubicle, staring into the monitor with absolutely no desire to attempt to work. It could last 30 minutes as easily as it could last several hours. How do I prevent myself from mentally wandering off to a quiet place? Not that I want to have my nose to the grindstone for 7 out of the 8 hours I am there.

To step back a little … I have a full time job and my plate is full. When the company moved the department I work in from Cleveland to Guelph, the staff in the department was cut from 22 to 12, obviously doubling the workload of all of us. For in excess of 2 years I asked the former boss for help as there was just too much work for me to handle. His response was for me to create a spreadsheet to prove that I had too much work. Guess what? I didn’t bother. In addition to the staff cuts, the volume of business has increased more than 30% making the workload unbearable. In April 2005 our buyer was fired and all of her duties fell on my desk. Then in August 2005 our marketing person was transferred to the mother house in Japan and his duties were given to me as well.

So, 1 person doing the work of 3 could not last long. I believe that was a contributing factor to my crash. When the work overload was combined with the loneliness I was feeling and the years of verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse it was just too much for me to handle and I was in a descent into blackness and hospitalization.

This depression is not something that hit me one day out of the blue as I thought it did when I accepted the fact that I was suffering from a major depression. It was years in the making, of slowly building to an eruption that had to come ... it was inevitable.

As I started to say previously, work is going better and I will be working 4 days a week for 2 months. After that I will go back full time. Because I am in control.

6 - Transition Group ...

The therapy group I have been mentioning in this blog is called a Transition Group. The reason it exists is to help people who have been hospitalized with mental health issues transition back to their regular lives. The group provides information, support and general discussion about what you, as a survivor, are going through. It is oriented to inpatients while hospitalized and outpatients who are back outside.

The group is run by Ruth, a nurse, with the assistance of other nurses and social workers in the Community Mental Health department. Ruth is an amazing woman who spends her day caring about the people she sees in the group. She runs about getting things done for the patients, making phone calls on their behalf, helping them with any situations that may arise and just being there if they need help.

I attended this group for 12 weeks and almost every minute was worthwhile. The group would vary between 6 and 25 attendees and range in age from late teens to retirees. It consisted of people who were depressed, bi-polar, schizophrenic, anxious, those coming out of drug or alcohol abuse combined with a mental health issue, or anybody with any combination of these, or other, mental health issues.

Sometimes the discussions would be hijacked by an individual who wanted to talk only about a particular subject and if it was of no interest to me I would tune out. Generally there was something to be learned at each session. We also did exercises on paper such as answering questions and how we saw things, what we felt about other things, etc.. Barb (a social worker who very often assisted Ruth) taught us deep breathing exercises and mindfulness … and as silly as that may sound to some people, it really works when you are having trouble getting to sleep, about to lose your temper or are anxious about something.

There was a large cross section of society in the group displaying varying levels of working to get better. Perhaps I was at one extreme as I was working hard to make things in my mental life better by getting away from the blackness or at least controlling it to some extent. I honestly think I was one of the few who were working (either at my job or trying to get better). Most seemed to be content to sit back, take their medications and hope they improved. I would very often hear from others that they were having difficult times but they would do nothing to improve the situation other than ask their doctor for stronger or new medications. Recovering from depression is a case where what you put into the recovery process is what you will get out. Just relying on medications will leave you in the numb state and you won’t improve. Then again, maybe those people don’t really want to improve in the first place and enjoy where they reside.

I requested, and received, one on one therapy from Leslie D. who was able to take my general push to get better and focus it into specific areas that I had to work on rather than flounder about, doing things that did not need to be touched (they were usually easier to do). She has given me many tips and ideas on how to make things happen (simple things like making a short list of what I want to do on any day) that are working well. Make small lists of tasks and when you actually complete one you have accomplished something. I find it much easier to apply rules like that at the office than at home. At home there is usually no urgency, no deadline … so I have become a procrastinator. There is more therapy with Leslie D. that is to happen and will be time well spent. Leslie D. is like all the staff members at Community Mental Health … she wants to help people get better.

5 - Discharge ...

I was admitted to the hospital on March 2 and discharged on March 14. I spent almost 2 weeks learning about depression, how medications work and trying to feel better. It meant a lot of pacing the halls and reading books (not on mental health). As each day passed I felt more and more comfortable being there. I was safe because the people around me (doctors, nurses, therapists and other patients) would not let me fall into the blackness. On March 10 Dr. O’D floated the idea of being discharged at me. Yes I was looking forward to getting out. Yes I felt that I was well enough to handle being discharged. Over the next 4 days I fretted about leaving. I wanted to go but bring the security blanket of the hospital with me.

I was apprehensive about leaving but not nervous like some of the other patients were who were being discharged about the same time. Why was I apprehensive? The anti-depressive had not started working yet, I did not want to fall or fail while on my own, it was an uncertain period I was about to encounter. There would be many road blocks and many mountains to climb. Could I do it?

I was discharged on March 14 and spent the next 3 weeks at home. The only things I did were going to the gym 6 days a week, meeting with doctors once a week and attending the twice weekly group therapy sessions. I was tired, I had no energy, there was no motivation, I could not concentrate for more than a few minutes and my short term memory was non-existent.

Because I did not want to be alone I either had the television on, the radio blaring or music playing from the time I woke up until I went to bed. Believe me it helped. But as the medications started to kick in I noticed that I was numb most of the time. I had no feelings, no emotions and no spark inside me. You could have told me that I had won a billion dollars and my response would have been … that’s nice. This total lethargic, listless and unfeeling mood was overwhelming. But, I was assured, it would pass. When? Could be weeks, maybe months or sometimes years.

I certainly did not want to exist in this state for long, especially since I thought things were deteriorating. I was tired beyond belief and found myself sleeping unreasonably long hours. In one 20 hour stretch I slept for 16 hours. I would go to bed at 11:00 PM and get up between 8:00 and 9:00 AM, have my medications and a bit of breakfast and go back to bed. If there was no reason to get up, I would sleep until mid-afternoon. In my entire life I would be up at 9:00 AM at the latest unless I was ill. And I never returned to bed after getting up.

After meeting with Dr. O’D a couple of times in the last 3 weeks of March and I requested that I be allowed to return to work on a part-time basis, 3 days a week. The good doctor was reluctant to say yes. After giving him my reasoning (that perhaps working would help get the concentration, memory, motivation working) he agreed that I could give it a try but that I should stop if it became too much for me to handle. At the same time he also changed my medications somewhat. Because I was tired much of the time he prescribed 100mg. of Wellbutrin as an anti-depressant, had me change the 150 mg. Effexor from morning to evening and to wean myself off the 2mg. Risperdal over the next 10 days. Wellbutrin is known for giving a boost of energy.

I started back to work on April 3 and things went fairly well but I had extreme difficulties with the concentration and by the end of the day I would be exhausted. I had no idea that forcing yourself to concentrate could be so tiring. But I hung in and waited for my next appointment with Dr. O’D. When I saw him I had tales to tell. Firstly, that Wellbutrin had no such boost of energy. Secondly since being off of Risperdal for 3 days I had not been able to sleep more than a couple of hours a night.

The solution : go back on the Risperdal with a minimum dose and to increase the Wellbutrin. At the end of it all my medications looked like this …

Wellbutrin 300mg (150mg in the morning and 150mg mid afternoon)
Effexor 150mg (night)
Risperdal .25mg (night)

Within 36 hours I felt like a million dollars. I had energy. I was sleeping soundly. I even felt like I had emotions (although they don’t come out too much). The change was absolutely amazing. I was laughing at jokes in the office, I told some jokes myself and I was smiling again (something that I had not been able to do easily over the past weeks).

I had a positive attitude and the will to get better. One of the best parts was that when I went to therapy there were many comments made about how well I looked and how well I was doing. I was proud of myself. But all is not happiness in my world as there are still issues to deal with.